This is me...

4:36am: I'm lost in a sea of yesterday.

9:23pm: This ridiculously feeling is back.
Like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one is even blinking.

I'm out of breath and I'm out of words. And yet now I decide to write.
But you'll get home.
And I'll give you the same old speech.
And nothing will change.


Ever.

8:46pm: I GOT A NEW CAR.
First car I've ever boughten myself.


Yay for me.

8:59pm: You ain't SEEN gansta, son.

3:48am: Why is it that I spend so much time trying to solve everyone else's problems and just end up making my own?

Maybe that's how I lost Mike.

Silly boy tried to actually listen and forgot how to talk.


I wish you would at least look at me....

3:48am: I remember when I used to write.
Now I just stare at words and hope they'll stop and say hi.

1:43am: I've been trying to figure out what's worse.
Questioning everything or realizing you're questioning everything and doing nothing about it.

All of those hours of court tv are starting to catch up with me.
Noticing one thing leads to noticing another and another.

And all of those questions that I swore I'd never ask are swimming around in my head waiting for me to catch one of them.

A smile pops up.
And I question that.

Now every thought floating through my sea of madness is in question form.








Where are you with my answers you goddamn son of a bitch?

12:53pm: I've forgotten how to write again.

11:28pm: Smoke the days last cigarette....
I've been getting that lost feeling again lately. The one that makes me daydream about packing some shit up and just...leaving.
But now it's even harder. I've got a lot more invested here then I used to. A great guy that I couldn't ever get up and my very own place.
Things happen. Sometimes we just can't help or change that. It's scary sometimes. Thinking about how things have worked out and what will happen next.

Got in a fight with my boss and ended up talking to his boss. The whole thing just sent my emotions on a crazy ride. Work has been making me feel worthless and my boss didn't help. Then come to find out he has nothing but wonderful things to say and they ended up training me in the special zones that they just don't train anyone in. Now it's time to come up with a plan for school and what I would like to do with the next few years of my life.

Hiding isn't as easy and you think it might be.

2:25pm: "The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

11:08pm: I need to update.
My new apartment is so fucking cute I want to cut my eyeballs out.
It's tiny, but it's mine.

Still lots of things to buy and such. Found a couple of kitchen tables, but they'll probably be gone soon.
Red Apple in Sumner is going out of business and everything is half off. Figure I'll go there for spices and what not.
Then I have to learn to cook now, of course.

And sewing. But I didn't get my sewing machine so that'll just have to wait.


So much to do so little time. I'm a bit overwhelmed, but I guess that's better then just being....stuck.


Hm. Craig's started the drinking. Guess it's time to go.

9:55pm: So far since I've lived in Tacoma we've:

.Saw a hooker
.Saw people having sex in a car in our parking lot
.Watched a guy on a bicycle get in a screaming match with a guy in a truck
.Got robbed at knife point



And it's only been three weeks.

1:10am: IT'S MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY, BITCHES!!!!
I can't believe I'm 21, and live in downtown Tacoma now.


If you would like to talk to me call my house, though I'm usually working.
212.1266

12:39am: He likes Hillary Duff.
Of all the things I have to say about him, that's the only one that's important.

11:30am: Off to turn in our apps.
Wish us luck...

2:58pm: OH MY GOD I GET TO REF TOMORROW!

4:27am: I remember feeling like this once.
What this is I couldn't tell you.
I just remember staring at the wall for three hours trying to figure out how I felt.
Today it was about 20 mins and I came up with "cold".

I used to feel like someone was watching me.
Now I just feel like something is happening, and no one is letting me in on it.

9:36am: THE BANK FOUND MY MONEY.
Everything just got a little bit better.

4:02am: Once again it's Halloween and I'm putting together a last min costume.
Not too shaby, I might say.
Just haven't decided if I want to wear it into the bank in the morning. They already don't take me seriously.

5:28am: Interesting things are happening.
Makes me wonder about tomorrow.
As in...the next day.

There was ice on my truck tonight. It better fucking snow this year or someone is going to get kicked very hard. I just haven't decided whom yet.

I'm in the dark about a lot of things. I think it's kinda funny in an ironic way considering the people I interact with seem to be very open about pretty much everything. It makes me wish I had a little birdie on my shoulder to tell me what's going on all the time. Especially considering I don't have any sort of concept of reality to begin with.

I've been spending a lot of time with this kid from work, Toren. I call him my redneck nazi, but he told me today that redneck was an insult so now I'll have to go with country boy nazi. But anyway, we agree on a lot of things and at the same time don't. He's got such a different idea of the world then I do. Makes me open my eyes sometimes. It's nice to have someone around to challenge your ideas.

I'm still in a feud with the bank. My next paycheck I'm thinking about trying to open an account somewhere else and be done with them. Well, when they give me my money back.

I keep telling myself I'm going to do things right this time. Save up some money, maybe buy a new car before I move out. I have a feeling when I find out if I can stay at this job or not that whole idea is going to change. I'm getting pretty good at being poor. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I don't know why I decided to go on a rant. It's almost 6 am and I am nowhere near tired and no one in the WORLD is awake right now.

Sweet deal, dude. Tomorrow...well today, I'm going 4bying with Toren. Then he's going to take me to Buckley and show me his house and all his crazy land.

I'm going to shut up now. It would be the best plan.

4:00am: Tonight is not a night I wanted to come home alone.

11:33pm: Sometimes when I watch other people type I'm convinced they are just trying to make the most noise possible.

4:59am: Tonight I saw things I only see in my dreams.
A sportster and a soft tail right next to each other.
I almost died when he started them up.

Creep old men. Skull ashtrays.
A FUCKING POOL TABLE.

Hm. And it's not even the weekend yet...

6:08am: Myspace makes me look at little girls. It makes me feel really bad about being alive, but I do it anyway.

Went to Dustin's tonight. Weird. Very very weird. The lightning and thunder put me in a mood I could get out of till I left. That kid has things to say and I don't know if I'm ready to hear them. That road is always pretty scary.

I have so much to say, but nothing to talk about.

1:33pm: The next time I'm sliding in the grass and swimming in "crazy lake" aka random bathtubs full of freezing cold water....someone should stop me.


Even if it means shooting me in the face.
My head already hurts.