I had a great night last night. Exactly what I wanted and needed.
I was more aware of myself and my surroundings then I've ever been. I played the games and did quite well. More importantly I had fun doing it.
The last few days have been full of compliments. Not something I'm used to, but I can't say I don't enjoy it. I even felt like a real full fledged adult yesterday.
I'm so very overwhelmed, yet I feel like I'm not doing enough.
School's going pretty well. I was supposed to be done with my AAS after Spring quarter, but it's looking like that won't happen. I really just want to move on to classes that I feel are worth my time. I'm tired of coasting. I miss being in tears and feeling helpless only to overcome and accomplish things I never thought I could.
In my quest to keep myself busy I feel like I've taken on things that I shouldn't have. I put so much work into things that probably won't have a huge pay out in the end. Here's to hoping I'll prove myself wrong again.
I continue to make the same mistakes. I find myself living my life for everyone else. I do what I can to make my mom happy and then I try to do everything to make my grandparents happy. I spend most of my time appeasing my teachers and I'll try not to mention the headache I get from that god forsaken club. I've even taken on a new role and possibly a terrifying task just to impress a teacher that I'm not even a student for anymore.
The good news is that I'm about halfway through on the car front. Sent the title out this morning and they're coming to pick it up tomorrow. At least I won't have to look at the monstrosity that is a symbol of my ever increasing failures.
My dreams are finally starting to leave me be. I'm not sure how long it will last, but if I can get passed that and my drunken sob fests I think I might be alright. I know that having a job is a huge piece of this puzzle, but there's only so much I can do about that. I just wish that focusing so heavily on fixing everything else would make up for it.
Someone asked for my number the other day. I couldn't tell you the last time that's happened to me, if really ever. I'm certain he was too drunk to remember. The problem is that it was one of my few moments where I forget about everything I have to do or should be doing and I don't bother to seek anyone out. It was one time I just really wanted to have a good time and that's what I was doing. Then he asked me. At first I was flattered, a little ego booster. Problem is that now it's in the back of my mind. I know he won't try to contact me and really it shouldn't matter. I've known him for awhile and he never really mattered to me before. Obviously if I can know him for over a year and he doesn't have my number he must not mean much to me. But now its important. I don't like these games. I'm terrible at them and I always lose. I'd just rather not play. That's what bothers me the most. Its like they FORCE me to play. Who they are I'm not quite sure, but I wish they'd knock their shit off.
I've been convinced for the last couple of days that I'm 28.
I know it's cheesy, but it needs to be said. I wrecked my car tonight. Spun around a corner on Pioneer and ended up half way up the side of a hill.
The cheesy part is that I feel like I should be here. There were so many ways that tonight could have been the end of me. Or worse. The last thing I want right now is to be in a wheelchair being fed through a tube.
But it didn't. I'm kinda sore, but I'm fine. My car was even okay enough to drive home.
This morning I woke up and wondered why. I hate those days. It took every ounce of everything to just get up and feed myself. I applied for a couple of jobs and wondered why the hell I even try. I put on clothes and left the house to make my sister happy. Even when we were laughing as per usual I wondered if I could ever really feel anything again.
I was in a strange mood. Something was off and I thought it was just me. I'd made plans with a friend to have a relaxing night and I even bought some cheap champagne. The night was to be filled with me bitching about how much I don't appreciate everything and him telling me crazy things to cheer me up.
And then it happened. I saw the corner and just knew. I started spinning and something happened to me. I felt so peaceful. So very content. I haven't felt that way in a very long time. Even when I felt the jolt of the hillside I felt myself smile. I took a deep breath and said thank you. When I reached for my phone to call 911 I had a text from an old friend. He said he was getting me tattooed on him. It's strange but I had that same feeling that I used to get when I would be upset and Tom would hug me. The one thing that I truly miss. I had it there, sitting in my wrecked car preparing to call for help.
I heard once that the happiest people are ones that survive a plane crash.
I think I just needed a jolt.
I've been dying to write for a really long time. It used to be my outlet. It used to be the first thing I would turn to.
Have you ever picked up your favorite sweater to find out that it just doesn't fit like it used to?
Have you ever craved your favorite dish for ages and when you finally got to eat it, you couldn't make it past the first bite?
I've found myself laying in the same room I moved into when I was 4-years-old. The pink walls and the rainbow boarders are gone, but the hopelessly lonely feeling I tried to hid from as a teenager never went away.
I'm attempting to get myself back. Part of me is really disappointed in the fact that it's been 5 months and I haven't made much progress.
I'm sorry if this is too angsty. I knew it would be. But I've given myself some goals. I want to find that part of me that was excited and creative.
People are using Livejournal again. Weird.
I'm lost in a sea of yesterday.
This ridiculously feeling is back.
Like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one is even blinking.
I'm out of breath and I'm out of words. And yet now I decide to write.
But you'll get home.
And I'll give you the same old speech.
And nothing will change.
I GOT A NEW CAR.
First car I've ever boughten myself.
Yay for me.