I'm so very overwhelmed, yet I feel like I'm not doing enough. :
School's going pretty well. I was supposed to be done with my AAS after Spring quarter, but it's looking like that won't happen. I really just want to move on to classes that I feel are worth my time. I'm tired of coasting. I miss being in tears and feeling helpless only to overcome and accomplish things I never thought I could.
In my quest to keep myself busy I feel like I've taken on things that I shouldn't have. I put so much work into things that probably won't have a huge pay out in the end. Here's to hoping I'll prove myself wrong again.
I continue to make the same mistakes. I find myself living my life for everyone else. I do what I can to make my mom happy and then I try to do everything to make my grandparents happy. I spend most of my time appeasing my teachers and I'll try not to mention the headache I get from that god forsaken club. I've even taken on a new role and possibly a terrifying task just to impress a teacher that I'm not even a student for anymore.
The good news is that I'm about halfway through on the car front. Sent the title out this morning and they're coming to pick it up tomorrow. At least I won't have to look at the monstrosity that is a symbol of my ever increasing failures.
My dreams are finally starting to leave me be. I'm not sure how long it will last, but if I can get passed that and my drunken sob fests I think I might be alright. I know that having a job is a huge piece of this puzzle, but there's only so much I can do about that. I just wish that focusing so heavily on fixing everything else would make up for it.
Someone asked for my number the other day. I couldn't tell you the last time that's happened to me, if really ever. I'm certain he was too drunk to remember. The problem is that it was one of my few moments where I forget about everything I have to do or should be doing and I don't bother to seek anyone out. It was one time I just really wanted to have a good time and that's what I was doing. Then he asked me. At first I was flattered, a little ego booster. Problem is that now it's in the back of my mind. I know he won't try to contact me and really it shouldn't matter. I've known him for awhile and he never really mattered to me before. Obviously if I can know him for over a year and he doesn't have my number he must not mean much to me. But now its important. I don't like these games. I'm terrible at them and I always lose. I'd just rather not play. That's what bothers me the most. Its like they FORCE me to play. Who they are I'm not quite sure, but I wish they'd knock their shit off.