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This is me...

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28th January 2011

2:54pm: I had a great night last night. Exactly what I wanted and needed.

I was more aware of myself and my surroundings then I've ever been. I played the games and did quite well. More importantly I had fun doing it.

The last few days have been full of compliments. Not something I'm used to, but I can't say I don't enjoy it. I even felt like a real full fledged adult yesterday.
Current Mood: accomplished

(Slam on the brakes)

26th January 2011

1:30am: I'm so very overwhelmed, yet I feel like I'm not doing enough.

School's going pretty well. I was supposed to be done with my AAS after Spring quarter, but it's looking like that won't happen. I really just want to move on to classes that I feel are worth my time. I'm tired of coasting. I miss being in tears and feeling helpless only to overcome and accomplish things I never thought I could.

In my quest to keep myself busy I feel like I've taken on things that I shouldn't have. I put so much work into things that probably won't have a huge pay out in the end. Here's to hoping I'll prove myself wrong again.

I continue to make the same mistakes. I find myself living my life for everyone else. I do what I can to make my mom happy and then I try to do everything to make my grandparents happy. I spend most of my time appeasing my teachers and I'll try not to mention the headache I get from that god forsaken club. I've even taken on a new role and possibly a terrifying task just to impress a teacher that I'm not even a student for anymore.

The good news is that I'm about halfway through on the car front. Sent the title out this morning and they're coming to pick it up tomorrow. At least I won't have to look at the monstrosity that is a symbol of my ever increasing failures.

My dreams are finally starting to leave me be. I'm not sure how long it will last, but if I can get passed that and my drunken sob fests I think I might be alright. I know that having a job is a huge piece of this puzzle, but there's only so much I can do about that. I just wish that focusing so heavily on fixing everything else would make up for it.

Someone asked for my number the other day. I couldn't tell you the last time that's happened to me, if really ever. I'm certain he was too drunk to remember. The problem is that it was one of my few moments where I forget about everything I have to do or should be doing and I don't bother to seek anyone out. It was one time I just really wanted to have a good time and that's what I was doing. Then he asked me. At first I was flattered, a little ego booster. Problem is that now it's in the back of my mind. I know he won't try to contact me and really it shouldn't matter. I've known him for awhile and he never really mattered to me before. Obviously if I can know him for over a year and he doesn't have my number he must not mean much to me. But now its important. I don't like these games. I'm terrible at them and I always lose. I'd just rather not play. That's what bothers me the most. Its like they FORCE me to play. Who they are I'm not quite sure, but I wish they'd knock their shit off.
Current Mood: tired

(Slam on the brakes)

11th January 2011

11:32pm: I've been convinced for the last couple of days that I'm 28.

(Slam on the brakes)

28th December 2010

12:38am: I know it's cheesy, but it needs to be said. I wrecked my car tonight. Spun around a corner on Pioneer and ended up half way up the side of a hill.

The cheesy part is that I feel like I should be here. There were so many ways that tonight could have been the end of me. Or worse. The last thing I want right now is to be in a wheelchair being fed through a tube.

But it didn't. I'm kinda sore, but I'm fine. My car was even okay enough to drive home.

This morning I woke up and wondered why. I hate those days. It took every ounce of everything to just get up and feed myself. I applied for a couple of jobs and wondered why the hell I even try. I put on clothes and left the house to make my sister happy. Even when we were laughing as per usual I wondered if I could ever really feel anything again.

I was in a strange mood. Something was off and I thought it was just me. I'd made plans with a friend to have a relaxing night and I even bought some cheap champagne. The night was to be filled with me bitching about how much I don't appreciate everything and him telling me crazy things to cheer me up.

And then it happened. I saw the corner and just knew. I started spinning and something happened to me. I felt so peaceful. So very content. I haven't felt that way in a very long time. Even when I felt the jolt of the hillside I felt myself smile. I took a deep breath and said thank you. When I reached for my phone to call 911 I had a text from an old friend. He said he was getting me tattooed on him. It's strange but I had that same feeling that I used to get when I would be upset and Tom would hug me. The one thing that I truly miss. I had it there, sitting in my wrecked car preparing to call for help.

I heard once that the happiest people are ones that survive a plane crash.

I think I just needed a jolt.
Current Mood: grateful

(Slam on the brakes)

20th December 2010

11:24pm: Long time coming.
I've been dying to write for a really long time. It used to be my outlet. It used to be the first thing I would turn to.

Have you ever picked up your favorite sweater to find out that it just doesn't fit like it used to?
Have you ever craved your favorite dish for ages and when you finally got to eat it, you couldn't make it past the first bite?

I've found myself laying in the same room I moved into when I was 4-years-old. The pink walls and the rainbow boarders are gone, but the hopelessly lonely feeling I tried to hid from as a teenager never went away.

I'm attempting to get myself back. Part of me is really disappointed in the fact that it's been 5 months and I haven't made much progress.

I'm sorry if this is too angsty. I knew it would be. But I've given myself some goals. I want to find that part of me that was excited and creative.

(Slam on the brakes)

17th December 2010

7:21pm: People are using Livejournal again. Weird.

(2 Decapitated victims | Slam on the brakes)

8th August 2010

9:10pm: I need a muse.
Current Mood: melancholy

(1 Decapitated victim | Slam on the brakes)

22nd February 2008

4:36am: I'm lost in a sea of yesterday.

(Slam on the brakes)

23rd September 2007

9:23pm: This ridiculously feeling is back.
Like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one is even blinking.

I'm out of breath and I'm out of words. And yet now I decide to write.
But you'll get home.
And I'll give you the same old speech.
And nothing will change.

Current Mood: disappointed

(4 Decapitated victims | Slam on the brakes)

31st March 2007

8:46pm: I GOT A NEW CAR.
First car I've ever boughten myself.

Yay for me.

(3 Decapitated victims | Slam on the brakes)

29th October 2006

8:59pm: You ain't SEEN gansta, son.

(10 Decapitated victims | Slam on the brakes)

7th October 2006

3:48am: Why is it that I spend so much time trying to solve everyone else's problems and just end up making my own?

Maybe that's how I lost Mike.

Silly boy tried to actually listen and forgot how to talk.

I wish you would at least look at me....

(2 Decapitated victims | Slam on the brakes)

27th September 2006

3:48am: I remember when I used to write.
Now I just stare at words and hope they'll stop and say hi.

(6 Decapitated victims | Slam on the brakes)

8th June 2006

1:43am: I've been trying to figure out what's worse.
Questioning everything or realizing you're questioning everything and doing nothing about it.

All of those hours of court tv are starting to catch up with me.
Noticing one thing leads to noticing another and another.

And all of those questions that I swore I'd never ask are swimming around in my head waiting for me to catch one of them.

A smile pops up.
And I question that.

Now every thought floating through my sea of madness is in question form.

Where are you with my answers you goddamn son of a bitch?

(6 Decapitated victims | Slam on the brakes)

3rd June 2006

12:53pm: I've forgotten how to write again.

(1 Decapitated victim | Slam on the brakes)

30th April 2006

11:28pm: Smoke the days last cigarette....
I've been getting that lost feeling again lately. The one that makes me daydream about packing some shit up and just...leaving.
But now it's even harder. I've got a lot more invested here then I used to. A great guy that I couldn't ever get up and my very own place.
Things happen. Sometimes we just can't help or change that. It's scary sometimes. Thinking about how things have worked out and what will happen next.

Got in a fight with my boss and ended up talking to his boss. The whole thing just sent my emotions on a crazy ride. Work has been making me feel worthless and my boss didn't help. Then come to find out he has nothing but wonderful things to say and they ended up training me in the special zones that they just don't train anyone in. Now it's time to come up with a plan for school and what I would like to do with the next few years of my life.

Hiding isn't as easy and you think it might be.

(3 Decapitated victims | Slam on the brakes)

14th April 2006

2:25pm: "The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

(4 Decapitated victims | Slam on the brakes)

3rd March 2006

11:08pm: I need to update.
My new apartment is so fucking cute I want to cut my eyeballs out.
It's tiny, but it's mine.

Still lots of things to buy and such. Found a couple of kitchen tables, but they'll probably be gone soon.
Red Apple in Sumner is going out of business and everything is half off. Figure I'll go there for spices and what not.
Then I have to learn to cook now, of course.

And sewing. But I didn't get my sewing machine so that'll just have to wait.

So much to do so little time. I'm a bit overwhelmed, but I guess that's better then just being....stuck.

Hm. Craig's started the drinking. Guess it's time to go.

(6 Decapitated victims | Slam on the brakes)

24th December 2005

9:55pm: So far since I've lived in Tacoma we've:

.Saw a hooker
.Saw people having sex in a car in our parking lot
.Watched a guy on a bicycle get in a screaming match with a guy in a truck
.Got robbed at knife point

And it's only been three weeks.

(9 Decapitated victims | Slam on the brakes)

15th December 2005

I can't believe I'm 21, and live in downtown Tacoma now.

If you would like to talk to me call my house, though I'm usually working.

(4 Decapitated victims | Slam on the brakes)

14th November 2005

12:39am: He likes Hillary Duff.
Of all the things I have to say about him, that's the only one that's important.
Current Mood: happy

(Slam on the brakes)

11th November 2005

11:30am: Off to turn in our apps.
Wish us luck...

(2 Decapitated victims | Slam on the brakes)

5th November 2005

Current Mood: ecstatic

(1 Decapitated victim | Slam on the brakes)

4th November 2005

4:27am: I remember feeling like this once.
What this is I couldn't tell you.
I just remember staring at the wall for three hours trying to figure out how I felt.
Today it was about 20 mins and I came up with "cold".

I used to feel like someone was watching me.
Now I just feel like something is happening, and no one is letting me in on it.

(1 Decapitated victim | Slam on the brakes)

31st October 2005

Everything just got a little bit better.

(1 Decapitated victim | Slam on the brakes)

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